I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
He showed me a four inch blond hair that grows out of his side. He calls it his little ray of sunshine. Please come get me.
There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
There is a 15" subwoofer mounted inside our fridge. I've never been more proud of myself.
she could've warned me his penis was curved
ya i dont think she expected you to get with her boyfriend.
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
I just found that video of you jumping onto my exercise ball feet-first and face-planting into my shoe rack.
I'm pretty sure I just discovered what the American Dream is said the person eating a hotdog for breakfast in bed in her underwear
Can vaginas get frostbite?
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
if i don't get grease into my system pronto i will undoubtedly die
Let's get drunk and take out your tonsils tonight
I have photo proof.
Girl, don't care. What's my rule? If I don't remember it, it never happened.
Randomize
