Not that I thought your boyfriend was a phile
But the whole crossing guard thing? Weird.
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
Apparently I joined a band last night. Definitely my favorite blackout.
and now there are teeth marks on my dick.
He fucked a girl named Oreo... He deserved syphilis.
I bought everclear. Bring your party pants and some addies
You're not gonna punch me in the face again are you?
THERE IS NOT ENOUGH CAPSLOCK IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD TO EXPRESS MY CURRENT STATE OF WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED
He said he actually "met" me for the first time through a picture his housemate had of me, drunk and passed out in a pool of my own vomit, on the floor of his basement.
I have a tattoo that says Yolo. You should not have been asking my advice in the first place
The hot streak continues..if life was NBA jams i would be "on fire" right now
How do u even exfoliate your vagina
We celebrated Cinco the right way. We took shots of 1800 then he fucked me while Selena was on TV in the background
I may forget my underwear, but you can count on me for drugs and plan b
When I went to pick up Adam from the train station, I found him passed out, covered in gold paint and wrapped in a red blanket. someone had glued a gaudy green rhinestone to his forehead. He looked homeless.
I trusted a fart in Toronto. NEVER TRUST A FART IN TORONTO.
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