I was so high I couldn't tell if they were goosebumps or herpes.
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
We drank a $4 handle of tequila until 5 am. Please think about that.
I voted for him because his wife supports his raging sex life.
sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
I'm pretty sure the guy she brought home is a polish porn star..
I know. I told you I'm a mess. She had weird nipples. I almost lost an eye to one.
I think I blacked out after I decided drinking alone on the trailered jetskis was a good idea
You stopped making out with some rando guy to tell him you weren't sure about your sexuality then proceeded to follow me down the street to make out with me
The three of us were sitting silently in my dining room at 4:30 am, half drunk, eating cold spaghetti and listining to death metal. I need a fucking cigarette.
I don't know if dry shampoo will fix the decisions we made last night.
I tried smoking while wearing a horse mask, it was the worst thing I've ever smelled
How do I figure out the name of this sleeping naked guy in my bed?
Its not something you can force it it just has to happen like a rainbow or pooping
They told him he could only pay in monopoly money and he pulls out a wad of it from his pocket... i think im in love
Randomize
