I just woke up and i'm wearing a cape and it says sup slut on my ass
i dont care about people's attitudes as long as they give me head
So, after having sex with my 4th overweight girl in 2 weeks, I've decided Charlie Sheen syndrome is ruining my life.
we walked in to her beating him with a broom while he was trying to sweep ramen into a box. there were packing peanuts everywhere.
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
We literaly had to peel your fingers off the jose cuervo bottle and lock it in someones room
Nope if you can't be there for me emotionally, then my vagina can't be there for you physically. That's my rule.
Yea, she's 42 I'm 23. Girls our age are terrible. All they need is a divorce and a bottle of wine
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
When he pulled it out last night I asked if that was as hard as it was going to get. I think I may have offended him.
what a fun peer-pressure-filled weekend
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
We had sex on his grandparents floor... the taxidermy deer was staring at me the whole time!
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
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