On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
You just kept yelling "SATAN!" at me every time I walked by
She was so loose she sounded like a jar of salsa. I didn't know that was even possible.
using the left over highlighters from the blacklight party to study for finals. feeling the need to write insert penis here on my econ notes.
Hey. Whatever time u wake up let me know Ur alive. I need my vegas partner... I don't think they let u take corpses on a plane.
i'm having the hardest time convincing my roommates to go dumpster diving for pizza with me. i really miss you..
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
He just tagged everyone he's slept with this year in a 'memories of 2011' tweet
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
didn't prepare for this snow storm at all. i only have like 6 beer and all my booty calls already went home for the holiday. this is bull.
So you're mad that I let you go home with the guy with soft hands but yet you can't understand that I was just trying to help you
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
Spent tonight painting strippers in camo.
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
I wish I was taller so I could give these boobs the publicity they deserve.
Randomize
