this is going to sound stupid but when I was drunk and thought I was a stripper where I did toss my pants?
Pass out mid-funnel last night.
you said you couldnt let go of the fence because your hand was molding to it.
After we fucked, her eye wouldn't stopped twitching and she could only move her hand, which she used to put her number in my phone
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
Did not foresee holding down food at work today to be a struggle today
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
All of her cloths were on our coffee table this morning. The only things she left with last night were her shoes and Scott
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
Do you hit a new low in life when you have to carry around a puke bag in your purse when you're hungover?
FUCK and YOU. times 10. To infinity and beyond. You bastard. Worst. Cockblock. Ever. I'm going to nail your sister.
Doing coke by yourself isn't as fun. Even when you're watching a James Franco movie.
Not sure what time I'll be home. I'm currently topless and the damn stripper won't give me my clothes back
Based on his face I'm positive he has a beautiful penis.
Randomize
