im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure
We just ended up getting drunk and doing field sobriety tests on each for practice... No one remembers who passed.
Only catch is you have to sleep in the same bed as me. But no worries, I plan on being in a random guys hotel room every night. So it's essentially yours.
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
Somehow those two combined like captain planet and shit went haywire
I told my grandmother all I want is a nice guy who likes to be tied up.
It's 4 am here and I just vomited myself awake....Not rising OR shining any time soon
I got to my internship late... with a bag of chipotle and sex hair.
No, you are in the clear. The police officer finally just said "I give up" and walked away.
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
How did I end up with the cock ring?!
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
boys just don't understand what they're missing out on.
he's missing out on my boobs looking marvelous this evening.
Randomize
