I seriously fake cumming more than i poop.
Just put a picture of dead dolphins on her wall...told her the oil spill was her fault.
She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
then she said she was half-a-virgin and that she would appreciate it if i would finish what her old booty call started
Is it possible to dent your eyeball? And how do you "accidentally" go cosmic bowling?
I needed that adderall to break my tradition of passing out at the bar on Sundays
She ran over a curb, took out a yard-sale sign and hit a fence before admitting to me that she may be losing her vision "a bit". Never letting grandma drive again.
Romantically speaking, I want to sit on his face.
My life is literally the worst. I was just laughing so hard at how hot they looked feeding each other the brownies and then I was like DON'T CRY
The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
Is there some sort of line being crossed when your shower activities start to involve jimmy johns?
I love when my neighbors have passionate, loud sex to remind me that I'm not getting laid
Oh god. Charles just fell off the bar. Didn't spill his drink. He's come so far..
IM HAMMERED AND JUST HAD CHEESECAKE THAT MADE ME FEEL LIKE NO MAN HAS EVER MADE BE FEEL BEFORE.
I feel like you're encouraging me to commit a felony.
I feel like you're wasting time.
Randomize
