Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
Thru out the entire phone conversation I went from thinking: he's making a gay come-on, to he's trying to sell me drugs, before realizing he was offering me a job with an internet company. Things are gonna be awkward in class this week.
We decided I could make bicurious-jitos or ho-meh-jitos or heteroflexible-jitos. But not homojitos.
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
CHEMICAL ENGINEER. God my mom would be so proud of me.
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
You peed on someone's house because they had a Wisconsin flag.
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
It's like my uterus needs a hug... and anti depressants
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
i'm gonna crowd surf you onto his dick
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
I don't even know if he's actually hot or just hot because he plays hockey..
You did not just say that.
Dad literally changed the channel from an episode of Big Bang Theory to another episode of Big Bang Theory. That's why I hate this show.
All I want right now is a waffle and some fried chicken and a penis.
Randomize
