there should be a rule- if you jizz on it, you wash it
I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
too bad they don't have a 'people you may be able to do' thing on facebook. it would save me a lot of fucking time.
I just found puke in my bra..
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
Wow. A quad shot of peppermint schnapps. I feel like I just deep throated a candy cane. Best 21st ever.
He says he won't get serious until he screws an Asian and a virgin. I should just place an ad on Craig's List
Wanted: female 18-24 of Asian or partial Asian descent to fuck my ginger boyfriend. Must be willing and able to fake virginity. No emotional connection needed, just sex, just once. Further contact post sex not needed (or particularly desired)
You came down the stairs dressed as winnie the pooh and kicking cups off the table and out of people's hands
This morning he fucked me while I was brushing my teeth. So I kept brushing as he thrusted. Then I brushed his teeth with my toothbrush while he was still in me. So hygienic.
I AM A SEXUAL NIGHTMARE
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
Imma make him fuck me with my jersey on tonight while I chant Go Jets Go. Gotta love playoff hockey szn.
If I take a couple more shots I won't even know he's a Mormon that drives a motorcycle
I'm pretty sure she tried to draw a self portrait out of her vomit. Then you tried to help, but passed out in the vomit.
i think i just naturally attract stoners
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