I never doubt that you might be drinking at any moment.
he told me my hair look so beautiful and as he was stroking it his fingers got caught in my BUMPIT. How are you supposed to explain that one?
even in my darkest moments, having another person eat my jizz would make me smile
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
we drunkly made out in the middle of the street beside the homeless guy playing the flute. Not how I imagined our first kiss.
You just kept screaming at everyone 'not to break your scarf' and doing somersaults
I may have made out with a tranny last night, which, if I don't get fired for everything else that happened, really makes last night epic.
If I have to go to the hospital, at least put my pants back on. It's been a fantastic night.
Well the weed wore off around 10:30 and then the date dragged on until about 1 in the morning. So I've decided I really need to start smoking closer to the actual start time of a date. Then maybe they'd be more bearable.
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
I might volunteer to give breath samples on the 17th where I would be required to get drunk and then give samples! THE POLICE WOULD PAY ME AND PROVIDE THE ALCOHOL!
I forgot to bring soap and all I could find here was body wash. It's like bathing with laundry detergent.
Randomize