I think I just got seasick
you're not on a boat
he has a waterbed.
i wouldnt be suprised if in indian your name meant "walking lie"
Come to wood. Julia is putting pants on. We must stop her.
Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
What tipped you off? The sombrero?
We made a percocet pizza. And then i made an unfortunate decision.
surgery went fine. i cant breath out of my right nostril though. lets not eat peas anymore when we are drunk.
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
I took his sheets with my when I left seeing that I underestimated my period. Also grabbed a 6-pack out of the fridge because breakfast is the most important meal of the day & I don't do other peoples laundry for free.
I can't believe that 100lb chick tackled me through a flight of stairs
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
I feel like drug tests are a little less "random" when you are employed by your father.
Can't find my wig, my underwear, or my dignity. Halloween 2016
Hypothetical question: Would it be wrong to tell the annoying children who don't listen to their parents that the motel is haunted?
Randomize
