Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
I opened my browser to a doctor page titled "serious pain under left side of ribcage". Last night must have been healthy.
On the couch having a debate with the dog over whether eating anothr sweet roll will make the hangover better or worse
When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
So to recap Superbowl Sunday - I won $100, bumped into the anti-christ and his cult, met a guy in a kilt and a wican, then got invited to a gayguy afterhours party.
Gonna be tough to beat that next year!
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
Makes sense. My grandma just did this shot. MY FAMILY KICKS ASS.
It is clearly not my fault that you decided studying was more important than trying to bang our hot teacher for an A, so I seized the opportunity.
Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
Currently eating Dominos at the bar high as shit so that's how homework is going
So I thought you might like to hear how I went to sams club to print some pictures and suddenly there was 20 pictures of your dick and my snatch on the screen
I'm sorry for chipping my tooth on your vagina last night :(
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
I know I may be showing my age by saying this but this is the first time I have been eaten out in the parking lot behind the Clairmont Inn since 1990
Randomize
