I know she is the girl of my dreams bc she orgasmed, rolled over and then asked if I knew that Orlando beat Cleveland.
So he flipped me over and suddenly went limp then told me he was thinking about his ex.
so you punched his junk, right?
is it bad that the only reason i knew what antidote meant in class today, was from years of playing pokemon?
he looked like jesus. just the kind of jesus i would have sex with.
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
Why do I have peacock feathers super glued to my body?
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
Nothing says walk of shame better than a onesie and a 12 pack of corona..
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
I can't help that I bring out the sex in people
come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.
I'm sorry that running around town like a frenetic wombat trying to find you KY jelly isn't good enough for you.
I never thought in a million years that I would have a threesome with my boss and his wife and yet here we are.
I'm too high and old for this...
Is it bad that we left the kid passed out on the bus? I think his name was texas. I was too drunk to be questioning this.
Randomize
