yo im tryna cop a beej tonight
You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
maybe you should start leaving anonymous bottles of booze on his doorstep with love notes attatched. that always gets me.
i told the doctor i drank a college amount of alcohol. judgemental prick
I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
So here i am dipping ice cream in my vodka and watching the bad girls club on demand. This is not ok
I just want uncharted vagina. Fresh and ripe.
It's ok I'm watering my plants with a 40 in my camelback, people are staring
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
Just had a threesome. Girlfriend wasn't a part of it. Broke up with her by sending her a picture of it. Hell is going to be awesome
BRING THE BAGELS
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
Why are you naked at 4pm?
Its my birthday, I dont have to wear clothes
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
He asked me how many starwars references he could make before i no longer find him attractive.
Randomize
