never play flip cup with pint glasses
I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
Ok so the guy below me is either having sex very loudly or is very lonely
this ugly chick literally cried last night because i wouldnt let her give me head
Not only do I have sand in my ass, but a crab pinched me while we were fucking. Still totally worth it.
I just test ran being their maid. I'm getting 50 bucks a month and they're buying the costume.
You didn't know it was a gay bar until the 7th guy rejected you. You were crying because you thought it was just a bad night. No more for you.
I vaguely remember trying to exfoliate my face with your leg hair. Sorry about that.
I thought i lost my bra, but when i went back to help clean it was hanging up on the wall
I have tan lines from my nipple rings.
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
You're seeing with your vagina, not your eyes.
I can't masturbate without laughing really hard at some point and it's entirely your fault.
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
Randomize