I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
Just took my morning after pill in the library
i made it my goal to pee in the sink of every apartment we went to last night. i didnt use the toilet once
I'm stranded in the Hampton area. Looks like I'm going to have to take one for the team and pass out by this applebees.
Really, thanks for buying me caribou, it helped me out. Today will forever be the day I threw up in a caribou cup in the skyway outside of chipotle.
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
I love being high. The owl outside stopped who-ing and I could swear I just heard someone say, "Okay, that's a wrap!"
On a scale from 1 to banned, how offensive do you think it would be to wish my vibrator happy Valentine's Day on various social media outlets?
Tune in tm morning for how to buy Plan B in a foreign country while coming down off ecstasy
I don't remember his name. I had whataburger on my mind and in my hands so I wasnt really listening
This is seriously fucking awkward. My favorite sex scene just started and my dad's still here. He offered me Cheetos.
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
Umm... When he walked in I shot him with my confetti gun... It's a wonder my booty calls even show up.
The amount of illegal things I've done this weekend is astounding.
You’re not his type
I’ve got blonde hair and great tits. I’m every man’s type
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