Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
Fuck?...well quicky, i have to study...unless you can read my book while i bang you, then it can last four chapters
I can be that talented
So I was watching the View and they were saying oral sex is the new goodnight kiss
So when are we having a sleepover?
Once two people had broken bones it had become a bulk hospital trip so we took the party bus
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
I beat my mom's friend's boyfriend in a vodka chugging competition. Our generation FTW.
Atlanta road trip update. Jimmy fell into the petting tank at the aquarium. And freaked out. With cops now... Keep you posted
His girlfriends signaled their approval by pulling me off of him and in turn making out with me. I think I will hang out with this group more often
I don't remember much and some girl almost convinced me to jump off the bridge while she held my stuff...
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
Again. I'm very sorry I tried to poke your eye out. You've been aware of my inability to aim since day one.
Seriously. Are we going out tonight? If we're not, I'm going to put on sweatpants and do drugs.
I can now say I know getting hit in the face with a flying tortilla is not fun
Bold words for someone NOT on a unicycle
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
Randomize
