Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
And secondly i just said i'd pay ten dollars to have sex with you
you threw up in someones recycling bin and left a note apologizing. how drunk do you think you were?!
this guy is so high, he just ate half of a frozen blueberry muffin and half of a frozen poppyseed muffin, then proceeded to make a "hybrid poppyberry muffin"
No no no. When you take one for the team, there are no stipulations or conditions
I met her tumbling down the stairs chugging Captain Morgan. I'm not sure why she has the better reputation either.
Drinking ketchup directly out of the bottle does not make it tomato juice.
can we just pause for one second and address the fact that balls were out last night
Just successfully invited my mom to a drag show. If that doesnt say "im gay" then idk what will.
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
He just brought a live lobster to the party.
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
Like how do you live your life and have never made a grilled cheese? The audacity of some people
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