I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
Next time when I try to seductively eat onion rings while drunk remind me of tonight.
What's up with the fire hydrant in the laundry room?
On duty sugar tits. A Marine never abandons his post to take nudi pics.
Got my parents to pick me up from the party, take me to the bar and buy all my drinks, then drop me off at my booty calls house.
Our host-mom was rubbing her back sympathetically going "muy bien, chica" while she puked on the beach. So yeah, I think we got the best one.
You're talking about alcohol when the smell of hand sanitizer is too much for me right now
Hungover playing piano at a baptism I am the PICTURE of class I feel like I should be struck by lightning
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
If you find me in the bathroom in a fetal position, licking frozen bacon .. I might have Drank a little too much.
that moment you remember partying with someone several years ago.. and don't remember if you slept with them or not.
You came into the club around midnight with a carton of tropicana o.j. & said you were starting a revolution.
Yeah totally passed out in their trash can last night.
Randomize
