A lady just asked me if you "seat yourselves" here at qdoba. I told her yea and she has been sitting at a table waiting for someone to take her order for 25 mins.
While you were puking in the ocean I was rubbing your back saying "Just give it back to Mother Earth".
two gay guys came in and bought just a kite and a box of wine. Why cant I have saturday nights that awesome
then out of nowhere we heard a voice yell "Fuck that pussy!"
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
??I have an official piece of documentation saying you are banned from Las Vegas.
Dude between pissing everywhere and all of those frogs, that bathroom got wrecked.
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
HE TALKS ABOUT HIS DICK IN THIRD PERSON ABORT MISSION ABORT FUCKING MISSION
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
my one night stand just gave me money "to buy a better vibrator" tis the season
I'm eating ice cream out of my purse
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
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