she's doing push ups on the keg. hows a girl supposed to compete with that?
Is there a nice way to say "I like you, but I hate your dick?"
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
it looks like my getting laid tonight is going to depend on my knowledge of native birds. this is a weird party
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
I feel like death crawled up inside me and died. That sick
Nothing but goodness could come from two friends getting naked. Think of all the good advice and other things we could give to each other.
Seriously. Are we going out tonight? If we're not, I'm going to put on sweatpants and do drugs.
Morning! Im using your rent money to snort percocet.
Everyone is a disappointment when you lose your virginity to nine inches
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
I must be really high or they really did just bring me a banana split instead of a burger
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
Randomize
