Nothing gets me like the O.C. theme song does.
I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
So as she is about to take the walk of shame she flips out. Apparently someone left a brown present in her shoes.
i just looked at the calendar to see when spring break is and literally stopped eating
The gym is handing out free condoms this week, motivation to work out this week?
I'm a gay man planning my brothers bachelor party, and he choose someone else to be his best man. I hope they like appltinis and gay clubs. Bastard.
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
Bring enough bail money and little extra for tacos after
i have officially banned the recreational use of bayonets.
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
my life is turning into trapped in the closet at way too fast a speed for me to feel comfortable.
My sister's exploding appendix just cock blocked me...
Tanner. All u drink. 10 bckaa. Locked in Porto potty outside. Constructed area. Main strrrreeeett. Fuck. Help. Pleese
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
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