just walked into the room and her sister said loudly, "do him, or I will."
we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
He could list all of the presidents! Every one, and in order!! I was so impressed the least I could do was give him a blow job.
Ah, yes. Making our founding fathers proud.
I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
We need to play Chardee MacDennis. Contact me when you have an available date. This is not a question.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
My mom sucked on that joint like a nipple and she was a fucking newborn
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
The hotel had a helipad. Of course we had sex on it.
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
I’m ready to be reckless and make stupid decisions, and I need you to support me in that.
My vagina! What have you done to it?
Blessed it my child.
And I mentioned the burning debate about your circumcision in my Christmas card to your mom.
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