He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
hey this is Madison. you gave me your number last night and asked me to remind you that you didn't fuck anyone. you okay?
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
oh my god. picked the worst day ever to not wear underwear...
I'm just gonna stop you right there because there is, in fact, no such thing.
just chugging fertility tea and vodka, no big deal.
you dont know your limits until you wake up with a black eye and a bruised rib and find out you got ran over by a bicycle last night
I have to go buy generic plan b after work. I don't even leave for the new semester for another 11 days. I think I just leveled up in sluttiness
I was just going for a one night stand and now I'm at breakfast with his entire family.
I'm asking you this because you're my dad....is coke a drug I should try?
HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED
By 9 pm this evening I'll have accomplished smashing with two different guys in two different time zones in the same day.
Stay hydrated
Invitations to sext will not be acknowledged until 10 a.m. EST. Thank you for your cooperation. We apologize for any inconvenience.
If you really hate him do what I do: give him an amazing night of unforgettable sex then dump him. You’ll ruin sex for him because new girls won’t compare
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