Let's play a little game called "Chill the Fuck Out" - you're our first contestant
Last night was def like the makeout party episode of full house
please hurry. your mom just evil laughed to herself in the kitchen like she's plotting my death.
Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.
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You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
We should tie ourselves together anytime there is any type of alcohol involved. It's the safest way. I either end up with freshmen or weird ex bfs. You end up with a large cowboy. This is not good for us
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
I was just hoping for a dick worthy of his established age.
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
No. No. No. No one's allowed to fuck in the yurt.
I just had some kinky fun in the back seat of my car behind a Ralph's in south county. How's your thanksgiving eve?
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
I'm super depressed and stressed and I just want spaghetti and sex...
Please come over. It's a pajama and burn-2016-in-effigy party
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