My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
My itunes is telling me i listened to toxic by b spears 108 times last night
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
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I'm basically a mama hen. I keep them warm and let them wonder around the house. not to mention, I keep eye on them just in case the falcons around the house try to snatch them away.
I don't even know what to say right now
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
I'm glad the semester is over. I need a break from the term "whiskey sharts" coming up so much in conversation.
He tried to tip me with his police badge...
and you didn't accept WHY?!
I would say that that is the last time I ever drink a bottle of jack in two hours, but really who am I kidding?
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My liver is going to reject life during Greek Week
How many liver transplants can a person have? Bc you may need a couple
Never again will I go to my mom's side of the family's parties. After the bride and groom cut the head off the roasted pig together they boarded their RV and rode off into the sunset.
my personal favorite... An "I'm sorry you broke your finger and cant play sports for awhile" blowjob!
My nipples are raw, I've yet to go to bed, I feel like death, and I'm at work. Thank you jack, crown, and Lafayette!
Dude i just passed out while getting head...she cried
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
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