I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
I just claimed my unemployment in Vegas. This seems wrong.
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
I'm still in shock that he came by my house for five minutes dropped off a Teddy bear and went to the strip club on valentines day
She climbed through the window and into my bed. Not even sure who she is. Was thinking she might be a friend of yours?
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
Water park on acid. THIS NEEDS TO HAPPEN!!
It's a delicate game of how much porn can I look at without the other interns noticing.
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
It's like wanting to be a vampire vs being a vampire. You don't know the cock lust until it's infected you.
I am stoned at Disneyland with my little brother. It's gonna be a good day.
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
how the FUCK did i spend 25 dollars at 50 cent beer night?
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