she left her pants. im pretty sure she grabbed mine on accident. im like 9 man sizes bigger than her. wtf
Was it a mistake telling him I couldn't get the abortion until I was 2 months along on the first date?
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
do you remember waking up from your blackout, kissing me ever so softly on the stomach, and saying "i love you bro. so much," then passing back out?
Selling Girl Scout Cookies outside bars for higher than retail value has got to be the most profitable idea. Ever.
He's covered in dirt and enchiladas. We're going drinking now.
He's had mdma poured down his throat. He's getting huggy.
We woke up in the room with a hamburger patty on the bed side table, one bun across the room, and the other bun under my pillow. Still don't know who ordered room service.
He hasn't touched a vagina in two and a half years. THIS IS WAY TOO MUCH PRESSURE TO BE UNDER
I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.
Haha it's harder than you'd think to come up with ways to turn your penis into a Christmas drawing
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
I might run out into oncoming traffic. Id rather break my legs and/or die then continue with today.
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
I can still be you friend and be there for you. And sometimes get drunk and fuck you.
Randomize
