I got to stop making out with my boss at work. I think we should just get it overwith, be dissaponted and move on.
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
Your dad needs a mid life crisis affair thing, I could totally be that girl.
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
Oh yes there is. Now I'm the sad one. Please organize my life. And I will demoralize yours.
After owing so much in back child support they should make vasectomy a mandatory
He was on my bed looking at me like a sacrifice to the gods of gay sex and he's definitely a bottom. Like Jesus Christ a really, really great ass of a bottom.
.It's like gods test of willpower against vaginal comfort
Yea... The gym isn't gunna happen today... When I was drunk last night I tried to prove I could front flip off the wheel cover of a semi... I fucked up my shoulder pretty bad... It was more of a roll
She ordered an O'douls. That was the end of that date
I think it's safe to assume that dad heard you lose your lesbian virginity last night
Then while I was crying on his shoulder, he got a boner. Soo. I kinda just hopped on.
I love the barter system - he got laid and I got him to bring me some ibuprofen. A win-win really.
Tonight was a total waste of a shaved vagina
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
Randomize
