Could guys at least pretend I require some amount of money to be spent before I randomly go down on them?
If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
I need to take "lollipop" off of every single one of my playlists cause it makes me wanna suck dick.
chugging beers on the train. people are staring. I would be offended if it wasn't 8:30
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
Don't bang him. The amount of Jack Johnson he listens to is embarrassing for even a white person.
Using a joint as a bookmark. What is my life?
If you could watch a water balloon run... That's what it's like watching her run.
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
There is no rule that you can't be in a room with more than one dick that's been inside you.
I just walked in on Joel doing a buck naked tripod headstand in front of the mirror so he could see the bug bite on his balls
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