I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
And then you told your sister how horrible of a friend I was because I couldn't get you cheese fries...
This house was built for laser tag.
Frozen waffles and wine. Loneliness-party of one
He's hinting that I'm starting to be kicked out of their blunt rides, I can feel it.
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
private study room at the lib turned into byob study room. that turned into battle royale and eric impaling his leg on a pen.
Thank god Shes going home for winter break, gives my dick a chance to recover from those "bjs." Youd think a senior could suck a dick by now.
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
you were making out with a guy that looked like Fat Albert, I kicked you in the vagina but you didn't stop
People trash cargo shorts, but I'm like, sorry I had room for beers and you didn't.
I want a dick in my left hand and a Crunch Wrap Supreme in my right hand.
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
My life is pants optional.
Randomize
