Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
I woke up this morning peeing out bubbles . I smell like baby wash . What the hell happened .
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
She's just so happy...and so naked.
Please God, is a penis possibly making it to vagina town to much to ask for tonight.
She has a tattoo on her inner thigh that's an x with a long dotted line. So after she passed out I signed it. Dunno what else I was supposed to do...
i'd say i'm about at weeping-uncontrollably-in-a-puddle-of-my-own-tears-and-urine level
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
See? I told you no boy in roller skates could be entirely straight.
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
well theres no bloody mary mix at the campus bookstore so i dont even know what its good for
If anything I look like a soccor mom going out for her annual ladies night. Trying hard, but not quite in her twenty's anymore.
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
i didnt realize that your first thought would be SEXUALIZING BREAD
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