Oh i forgot. I hit on a mentally challenged girl too.
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
Can you send me the video of that girl that got arrested last night? I'm gonna try and hit that and I need something to break the ice with.
At least I know she didn't hear me crawl to my room. Or did I walk on my hands? Fuck if I know.
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There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
Everything I own smells like cigarettes and victory right now. The smell is never coming out.
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking rosé, bitch!
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
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My roommate walked in naked grabbed my hand and pulled me into her room to see her randoms dick.
So, I have realized that I am kryptonite for married men. I'm not sure how to feel about this sober, but drunk me accepts her destiny.
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
You wanna explain to me why there is a banana shoved down my pants?
Ik youre sleeping but fyi its 5:32am I'm sitting in the middle of the road bra less and shoeless with boxers in my hand and no ride. Shits real crazy.
I could not add him. He gets 5 likes on Instagram.
Randomize