you really are a gigantic fucking slut.
sidenote: just remembered sarcasm does not translate through text
it's probably a bad thing that i wasn't even offended, huh?
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
You said that we had to leave the party together and proceeded to repeat the "ducks fly together" speech from The Mighty Ducks word for word. Soon the whole party was quite and started chanting quack..quack...quack..
I'm hoping to finish this bottle of wine before I pass out, I don't want the remainder spilling on my white down comforter.
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
she tried to handfeed me fritos while yelling "PENIS TRAIN"
It's really not cool dreaming about going into labor with your ex boyfriends love child as you're sleeping next to him.
It just makes me feel nauseous. And I don't want to feel nauseous when all I really want is to get off.
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
I'm determining which apartments I'm mostly to move into based on how suitable the kitchens are for sex .
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
I can tell just by looking at the wedding photos that the groom has hooked up with at least three of his groomsmen. I would feel bad for her except that she’s hooked up with two of the same ones.
Randomize
