just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
did we decide the 'sorry about the threesome' cake was too flippant?
I know. My only sports are biking to buy drugs and running from the police.
So i just got guilted into doing a tequila shot by a group of guys chanting "USA!" at me.
Walt said he was feeding me so I wouldn't die. that's why there was pasta in my room
Of the two of us, which one has licked a drag queen's tit in the past 5 days?
he would snap chat his dick as like Harry Potter
I just need to get a little drunker before I realize I'm not straight
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
Boys winking, cowboys tipping their hats, old people looking disappointed.... ah, I had forgotten the unholy powers of exposed cleavage!
You are my hero.
Just called to hear your voice and talk about pizza.
I had to cum in my sink.
You were arrested in a tiara again... maybe you shouldn’t wear one.
Randomize
