His facebook status was woke up with a whale ..... Captain AHAB IS BACK !!!!!
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
she was talking at me constantly for like 20mins. i kept praying for a brain hernia but it kept not happening...
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
It's like a squid of pain has attached to my head and it spreading it's whorey tentacles all over.
There is a pile of hair outside the apartment next door. At least now I know what all that shouting was about last night.
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
im dying and naked and this is what youre living with next year.
You know just a typical night. Eating peanut butter off of tablespoons and having sex to our favorite Christmas carols. This is my favorite time of year.
Your rough animalistic sex sounds are disrupting my cocktail hour
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
Please come check out theses cougars grinding on a pole. I feel like they're showing us up and we need a duel stat
She made me keep my boots on and say "you're welcome darlin" after every orgasm......so yes it was an awesome night.
The cop told you he couldn't let you pee. You just pulled your pants down and squared anyway and im surprised you didnt get arrested.No more drinking for you.
Randomize
