Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
As long as you're not dating white guys again.
Worst bachelorette party. She got smashed and cried because she thinks she might have herpes from when she cheated on him. Not looking good for them.
The staff doesn't like it when you try and take your wheelchair for a joy ride since I've been waiting for an hour and a half.
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
I would watch the shit out of some full house right now.
Not sure I just ate a really big pot brownie, I feel like my future is uncertain
You better keep a close eye on your uterus tonight cause I am looking good.
Finally smoked with my brothers, I feel like I just won gold at the Best Older Brother Ever Olympics
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
That hot guy just got to class and he's eating a bagel sandwich. I dunno which I'm more attracted to
I just did a walk of shame on my own block. one of the old neighbors saw and greeted me "good morning, girl next door"
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
I'm shaking a cocktail while in bed. Is that bad?
I think I found my saving grace in the form of a beard at the bar.
Randomize
