o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
I will never swim in a flooded basement again..
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
Well it was tamer than the 4th of july when I blew that guy I met walking home from the fireworks
Jesus christ it's been two texts and we are already talking about dildos
I only call her for sex and medical advice. She admitted she feels like a worried parent when her phone rings at 5 a.m.
The last thing I remember is crying and shaking my head as she was putting salt on my hand. I guess I took the shot
I threw a hotdog at the security guard and called the bartender "goodlooking for a 35 year old who was rode hard and put away wet"... I would have kicked me out too
Can you bring me a corn dog or something shaped like one?
Congratulations on your downgrade, shes one hell of a 5
All I know is that at 4 am I was walking down the street in my bra and his shorts and Im pretty sure I passed my grandma on her morning walk.
And now to play every stoner's favorite game: Where the Fuck Did We Park the Car?! Disneyland Edition!
She told me she was the Publishers Clearing House of Dicks. Two dicks a day, everyday for life.
Randomize
