I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
is it bad that I sent her a picture of my penis on her husbands birthday?
my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
I'm actually agreeing with glenn beck. What the FUCK was in that margarita?!
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
Were betting on little kids falling and racing for a drinking game at the wedding.
We smoked speed and opium for the first time. ended up harvesting cucumbers with locals at 9am in a farmers field. Laos is fuckin crazy.
I need you to help me convince Steph that she will like Tequila if she would chase it with A-1
I also turned off the Anchorman DVD start menu before cause I didn't want Will Ferrel watching me lose my virginity.
We peed together in a dark alley while holding hands. That is a bond that can never be broken.
We cuddled after till the morning. Then he woke up sober... and straight.
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
In my top drawer right now, there are see's chocolates, condoms, weed, and my vibrator. One way or another, this is going to be a good night
GOD DAMN IT I COULD HAVE HAD A MOTHERFUCKING 3 WAY LAST NIGHT. WHY BOOZE, WHY?!
Randomize
