I will come over but only if I don't have to take my sunglasses off for it
I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
remember when mike pissed in his pants and then put a double cheeburger in the pocketsss of said wet pants for "safe keeping"? yea drunker then that.
He just washed his hands with scrubbing bubbles yelling "They work hard so I don't have to!"
On the way home from Florida I threw up at the beginning border and ending border of 6 states. You win this year Spring Break.
I DONT WANT TO PLUS I THINK I FLUSHED MY KEYS DOWN THE TOILET WHILE I WAS PEEING
I AM SAFE. EVERYTHING IS FOG. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED.
You just kept screaming "PLEASE YELL CORNDOG AT HIM. PLEASE. CORNDOG."
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
I slept with a Brazillian Man, That's why I'm Watching The World Cup
Beer. Pizza. Seething Rage. I will be full of two of these things tonight. You get to decide which two.
I can't have the last guy who touched my vagina be my coworker.
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
We spent our last night together taking turns vomiting in the bathroom. I'd say it was a romantic trip.
So apparently I’m into choking now
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