There's a Cowboys game and a Rangers game on at the same time...talk about Sophie's choice
those are the first brownies ive had since i was 13 that didnt have weed in them.
Im like a co-bf. he pays for her birthday and christmas, but i get all the action.
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
He's. Duct. Taping. His. Phone. To. The. Wall.
Your penis chewing exercise is not working
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
Nothing says besties like laying naked in bed hungover arguing over who is getting the pants
Everyone was in the walk-in getting high, and I had to be all cool. Serving soup and salads. Night manager status doesn't pay enough.
First night of sleeping in the same bed, and she farted on me. I immediately excused myself and went home. Don't know if we're still together. Will update you.
He walked in on me banging his sister and said "you're both old enough to make you own decisions. Carry on"
I just ate part of my sock, this has got to stop.
If I don't get alcohol poisoning from tonight I don't think i ever will.
Randomize
