LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
"Party in the USA" was played at church youth group last night. It was like everything I enjoy hating was aligning against me.
didn't have any spoons so I beer bonged my chicken noodle soup. I fucking love camping.
For the record, a bath beer is far superior to a shower beer...
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Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
I might not remember all of last night but I clearly remember the part where I humped the mailbox.
You fed me pizza off a sword last night.
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Pretty sure I just puked up sand. And nothing else.
They ran out of toilet paper, so I had a girl rip down the streamers so I could wipe.
Well right but if we go, he may just disappear for a long time into the unknown with the drag queens.
i warned you not to do dabs 20 minutes before graduation. You never listen
Video footage says last night I reincarnated as stripper Shania Twain... Man, I feel like a (slutty) woman.
I made out with the uber driver for free weed, I thought he deserved it
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