Your noise violation report contains the word "five-some"...wtf happened in here?
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
She brought up feelings... her days are numbered
I've hooked up with 3 different guys already this week...don't tell me I haven't been a productive member of society
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
i can recognize that vagina from a mile away
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
I am not saying having unprotected sex in my boss' pool was a good idea, I am just saying it wasn't my worst idea of the summer.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
...I think I just watched a boy make a sandwich seductively. What.
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
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