you ran into the room and announced "I JUST FUCKED HER IN THE ASS". apparently you forgot she left the bedroom 5 minutes before you and was standing with us all.
He kept saying "this is a bad idea" wasn't in his vocabulary. He left at 2 came back at 6 eating frozen waffles and he had a symbol, a moped mirror, and a new MacBook. I'd say he had a good time
Does making ice cubes at 4 in the morning count as being productive?
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
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He made me write my name on his wall in crayon so he'd be able to remember it in the morning
Singing high school musical songs with an old Russian woman I met on the bus. What are you doing?
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
He wants me to tell you "my boner misses you"
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The struggle bus crashed, rolled down a mountain, and went on fire, and I was on it ugh.
What, I can't laugh at my sister being driven crazy by Facebook randomly assigning chat significance to the guy she lost her virginity to?
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
When I met you, I was just like "who the fuck is this drunk chick throwing up on my bed?" But I'm glad we're friends now
I just told 2 of my vibrators "I love you." I seriously need some dick.
We just did a u turn on the highway to settle a dispute in a game of slug bug
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