i wish my penis had a tongue
my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
I feel like she's the kind of girl who always ends up with guys who have oddly shaped dicks..
I cant wait for your democrat phase to be over.
did you know that snuggie is the perfect anti-freak out aid for stoners? it weighs you down so you can't go anywhere. just sit there and enjoy the movie, that's right.
We should make a goal to do one active thing a day, even if its like throwing a ball
And by ball i mean playing catch. Beer pong does not count as an activity
It was scary, we all screamed. Never make mimosas in a car.
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
Our date was amazing and I would like to reward you with a blow job under your desk.
I can pencil you in at 3:30
I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.
Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.
This is like the best thing that's ever happened to us. We're getting paid to sit around get high and eat. There is a Jesus
You can see my drunken state get worse with each picture
I think the exact words were 'I'd lett him to the weirdest shit to me'
My body is telling me there was tequila. My pictures say it was Jeff's fault
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