Remeber, hes got nothing better to offer you than drunk words and hairy balls.
I think when she wakes up, she'll either kill me, or laugh. I hope she laughs.
once she started licking the door on the stall, i got out of there and told her bf "this is your problem now" and walked away
He just got home drunk. He ate 5 snack cakes, said Little Debbie's his bitch, went upstairs and fell asleep.
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
You know whats not fun? Making yourself throw up on a sand dune at 4 in the morning.
Don't worry I drank 7 more beers & brought home a guy that bit me at the bar.
I blew him while he was standing up and he drooled on my head
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
His status said "sad." of course I liked it. I don't even care that I was the only one. Facebook isn't your god damn journal, we don't care about your problems.
She told him that she never wanted to see him again then took his takeout box of bacon cheddar fries and got in the uber saying "for feminism"
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
She then told me, and I quote "I want to send you nudes just to see how you'd react."
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
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