I'm about two and a half drinks away from gay.
I'm coming over.
Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
i was actually impressed that she managed to throw up underwater while scuba diving
the bar tender told me i could keep an air matress in the backroom.
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
I'm going to need your assistance. I cannot walk back to the house in a bear costume.
We are hot boxing the gondola
I hate everything.
Sex last night was mind blowing. your wife is one lucky lady.
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
I farted in the parking garage and it echoed.
Stand and applaud for me. I have successfully masturbated in a Walmart changing room with the door wide open during normal business hours. I lead a very Charmed Life.
Randomize
