grab my backpack.....its in the fridge
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
He dropped me off at 4 in the morning because I made fun of Pearl Jam..
I woke him up and he was mumbling something about it being moist, or he peed himself but it was okay.
Who would we be if we didn't go out to drink during finals week? NOBODY
I would ask why there is a chair tied to the door of the fridge.. but I am not sure anyone knows the answer.
There is a full size piano in the middle of our road. Please tell me you had nothing to do with this.
i really regret not blowing your cousin before he went to jail
And there might be a gallon of sangria without the lid on the floor in your room. Just be careful when you open the door.
If you are drunk already, then as your friend I am advising you to stop writing on your dads Facebook wall
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
Randomize
