Dude she looked like Jerry Garcia's knuckles
Watching NYC prep. Doing a shot everytime one of these d-bags flips his hair. I give it 10 minutes before alcohol poisoning set in.
Why do my orgasm prompt her to begin using babytalk EVERYTIME?!
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
She refuses to believe she pulled down her pants and spanked her ass in front of us
And my only real exposure to Russian culture is you and Internet porn.
Strip clubs just aren't as fun when a man tries to drunkenly grind on you.
Dear god. Please. Please do NOT deprive yourself of dick for 90 days. Blood will spill. Wolverines will howl. I can't handle that kind of terror.
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
I'm pmsing and only have one functional foot
saying, "have a good fall!" After fucking a virgin boy is good etiquette, right?
Look, road flare archery was agreed on. We both accepted it was a shit idea sober, but did it drunk anyway.
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
Randomize
