I'm sorry that you don't think that "Daddy Issues" are a real thing, but I can tell you that some assholes who never went to their daughter's dance recitals are responsible for getting me laid...continuously.
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
I just applied for an unsubsidized loan naked. I love the internet.
I will give everyone a free pointer today. Here it goes, always pee by the house late at night to avoid getting shot by drunk bastards with guns. Never go by the tree line.
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
Im at the zoo right now high out of my mind and feel as if the animals are watching me and Im the one in a cage.
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
I feel like my chances would have been better if I hadn't told her "I need to fuck you before you leave."
"DO YOU LIKE FLYING KITES" WORKED AS A PICKUP LINE. SUCK IT.
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
I really don't know where my pants are, but that's not the problem. When are you going to unlock the door?
I made out with a girl because I wanted to get in the VIP section of the bar because they have these big comfy couches. It worked.
Considering we almost incited a riot on behalf of LGBT rights I have to say that was the best time for our moral compass to turn south.
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
Well when we Get drunk it gets rowdy. We could always attempt self-control. But historically and statistically speaking, we fail at that.
Randomize
