Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
i love that when i tell my kids and grandkids about how we first met it will be about this little thing called a "poke" on facebook
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
I was topless in his bathroom sink taking bong rips , goodmorning . He told me he could get use to this
I woke up in nothing but a shower cap and your sparkling coke straw snorter thing inbetween my toes. Explain.
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
I left the guinea pigs on the dryer. Make sure to take care of them.
I smell like lime and condoms and I really want a waffle. Fuk
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
We just had an accidental Facebook titty pic scare.
I will 100% jerk off using my own tears as lube before I'd ever bang a 4.
Went to my bottom drawer for my stash , gone just a note says thanks sucker love dad
Randomize