Dude, she looked like the Canadian Slam Poet, neck hair and all.
He waited til after we had sex to tell me he had herpes... Ugh I hate being drunk
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
Did I crawl through the hotel lobby all the way to our room?
went from writing my paper to watching obamas speech to crushing beers and singing springsteen in a crowd of 100 within 20 minutes. I love this country
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
I've been told that their best stripper is on maternity leave. NEVER AGAIN.
I can't bring an entire liter in the bar in my purse. I mean I can. I might. I'm probably gonna.
I had to run home with my hands covering my tits this morning. How does this keep happening?
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
thanks for passing me through your vagina 20 years ago today. your the best
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