he conducted the entire waffle house into singing the song Oklahoma. He was wasted.
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
They upped the price of Plan B! Rite-aid is going to be the reason I have illegitimate kids.
He violated my cat. I was not impressed.
the tow truck driver and i bonded while discussing our experiences with four lokos
I just reenacted what a cuntadactyl would act like by putting straws in my mouth as teeth and roaring, Plz come get me.
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
Sadly him cutting me out of the duct tape dress was NOT the most awkward part of the night. It was a littleeee moist under there.....
You threw an open can of pop at me while I was lying on the floor babbling and drooling about how I need to be alone forever, me and my leaking face.
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
I just want my birth control to stop making me feel like I'm watching baby seals get clubbed to death any time anything even remotely unpleasant happens lol
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
I'd do them all but honestly I'm so high that I probably should have a chaperone.
not sure if actually covered in glitter or just drunk
Randomize
